Posts from the ‘Life Management’ Category

5 Tips from Workshop: Getting Your Life Together After Baby

This past Friday, I gave a workshop for Big City Moms on the topic, “Getting Your Life Together After Baby.” Drawing from positive psychology, human performance and cognitive behavioral research,  as well as my own experiences as a mom, I offered 10 tips for staying sane, organized and happy after having a baby.

Below I have included five of the tips, which are universally relevant to the topic of staying sane, organized and happy, whether you are a man or a woman, a parent or kid-phobic.  While these ideas may not sound all that new to you, the concepts are much easier to understand intellectually than to implement in the rush of our patterned, achieving lives.  I hope you will not only read them, but also answer the corresponding questions related to applying them in your life.

Prioritize.  So often, we just keep adding to our “to do” lists.  And so often, we perpetually feel behind, which leads to anxiety and negative thoughts.  Sometimes, the work is assigning ourselves less work.  If you are a new mom, I recommend reframing your expectations to think about getting 1-3 tasks/errands done daily, beyond caring for your baby/kids.  For example, on some days, getting a shower might be a major accomplishment. Practice slimming down your list, and as Dale Carnegie says, “living in day-tight compartments.”

Where do you really want to focus this week and what can you cut back on to stay sane?

Routinize Fun.  It may sound counter-intuitive to “routinize” fun, but that is exactly the point.  When my daughter was young, I use to regularly dance with her. Sometimes, I’d put on a show for her, and other times, we’d rock out together.  This became our daily mother-daughter ritual, and also doubled as a workout too! Whatever it is that might seem silly, ridiculous or even indulgent, make it happen.  Living in NYC, there can be a tendency to get focused on development, achievement and getting ahead.  Get out off this bus, and do something you enjoy every day, even if it’s just for 15 minutes.  This is also a wonderful gift for your children too.

What is something you want to give yourself permission to enjoy this week?

Grow. Continue to nurture your interests, passions and skills.  If you don’t find your job personally fulfilling or satisfying right now, take a class, join a networking association in an area of interest, or pick up some books on a topic you’ve always wanted to explore.  For new moms that decide to stay home, motherhood can be isolating and the opposite of “intellectually stimulating.” Thus, it’s important to find avenues where you feel like you’re stretching yourself and growing as a person, beyond caring for your child/children.

What are you really excited about these days?  How are you nurturing your interests and creativity? 

Socialize. The research shows over and over again, that those with rich, fulfilling social lives lead happier lives, yet it’s easy to  let your social life take a back seat to everything else.  This is particularly important for new moms at home; the experience of caring for your baby/children can be isolating, especially at the beginning.  Initiate plans with old friends, join a playgroup, a breastfeeding support , or start a group of your own.  I found the days I spent at home alone with my baby exhausting and depressing.  Soon after Brooke was born, I asked our synagogue if there was a play group we could join. While the immediate answer was no,  my prompting led to a group and class being established shortly thereafter, which was a wonderful way to connect with new mothers at a similar stage to me.

Who do you want to reconnect with in the near future? How can you be more proactive in your social life and not overwhelm your calendar?

Savor.  This concept is around slowing down, and living moment to moment in the present.  How often do you get caught up in anticipating challenges and obstacles or re-hashing the past?  We have so much to learn from babies and children, who are insatiably curious about the world around us, and who stop to appreciate the simplest things. This morning, my daughter discovered shadows under a tree, and I watched and marveled along with her as the ground mirrored the swaying branches.

When can you slow down and just be in the present? Where and with whom do you want to be with?

Spam Blocking Strategies to Reclaim Your Time

Lately, I have been working with clients to reclaim their most precious resource–their time and energy. It’s easy to become so  overcommitted that there is little time left over for personal projects, life maintenance and pleasurable pursuits. Like an old email account which has started to accumulate spam and clutter, your personal calendars can start to fill up with obligations and draining activities, which don’t necessarily fit in with your current and/or future visions of how you want to be investing our time and energy.  So how, you might ask, can you apply “spam blocking” strategies to update your calendar  to reflect heartfelt, meaningful and energizing committments?  Here are several strategies below.  

Leverage the YES, NO, YES formula. The idea behind this approach is that it allows you to say yes to others, and no to doing things in a way that doesn’t work or serve you.  So, let’s say a friend invites you to a charity event that falls during a crunch time at work. You can say, YES, I’d love to support you and help this organization.  Then, you can say, NO, I cannot attend this particular event.  Then, in closing, you can say YES, I am happy to give a donation to the organization or volunteer my time at a later date.  This strategy also invites you to be more creative in responding to any variety of inquiries, invitations and requests. 

Schedule/calendar weekly time for life maintenance and/or personal pursuits. It’s such a simple step, and yet not something we are likely to do for ourselves. Maybe you schedule it during the week or a weekend morning.  You might do different things each week, but at beginning of week, schedule a window of time where you take care of projects and organizational things that you continue to feel behind on.  Just putting it on your calendar can allay your anxiety and allow you to be calmer and more focused in the present.

Articulate concrete, visual goals for your personal time. It’s easy to keep saying yes to those “spam” invitations  when you have not put a stake in the ground for your projects that keep falling off the radar screen!  Paint a picture of your ideal physical space, your desired portfolio, your ideal physique, your finished article or book–whatever it is you want to create and/or complete! 

Spend more time doing activities that bring you energy and fulfillment. What are activities that you find yourself completely absorbed in to the point of losing consciousness?  Like a peak athlete who experiences “flow” when performing at his/her best, seek out those activities that have you completely engaged.  Drawing from positive psychology research, these are the pursuits where you will find meaning and gratifying emotional “highs.”  Take a piece of paper and in two minutes, write out the things that energize you; then, make a list out those things that deplete you.  While you may not be able to eliminate the draining activities entirely, you can intersperse the draining tasks between two energizing tasks throughout your day. 

Take a pause before you commit to things.   For those of you who are natural “joiners,” “connectors,” or “helpers,” you may have to allow yourself to pause and reflect on whether you have the capacity and/or desire to assume this particular responsibility or request.  Ask yourself whether this effort will bring you energy, have greater meaning and/or be a valuable use of your skills and strengths.  Not only will this have you more focused and intentional, but it will also be helpful to the causes and people for which you do want to contribute your time and energy.

I hope that at least one of these strategies resonated for you, so that you can improve your “spam blocking” capabilities in your personal life.

Time Management Out, Energy Management In

Recently, my clients have expressed a desire to implement more effective time management and organizational habits.  When I probe deeper, however, it is not that these individuals lack information or skill on how to create and manage organizational systems. In fact, these individuals are quite savvy in organizing themselves and others to get things done across 95% of their life dimensions.  So, what is at the root of this phenomenon that capable, competent individuals are struggling to feel “on top” of their physical space and mental game, organizationally speaking? 

It seems the answer is trifold.  1.) First, we face fatigue from the 24/7 flow of information that buries our multiple accounts, gadgets, and mailboxes. It’s inevitable to always feel behind, given the multiple channels of information awaiting us on all doorsteps  2.) Second,  in this increasingly social networked society, we feel pressure to participate and engage, whether it be through Linked In, Facebook, Twitter or own personal blog.  3.) Given this natural tendency between feeling pulled to respond to our inboxes and pushed to engage and participate in networked communities,  it’s inevitable that we will continue to put off some emails and paperwork that is anxiety-producing, unexciting or complex; and with so much to do in a day, it’s easier to keep putting it off than dealing with it.

So, given this new reality, how does one “get your organizational game” on?  

It’s about managing your energy, not your time.  Thanks to Tony Schwartz and The Energy Project, there is a whole new science around how to effectively manage your energy, so that you can be more engaged and productive in your life.   While David Allen’s tips and systems are useful and relevant, they require a great deal of discipline and list making at multiple levels, which can feel overwhelming at times.  Managing energy, however, feels approachable.  SO, here are some ideas to get you started.

Self Audit.  First, it’s important to take a close look at what areas of your life that you’re not feeling organizationally together. Acknowledging it is the first step to dealing with it! What is it about this particular pile or set of messages that feels overwhelming or uninviting for you?  How long have you been wanting to do something about it? What is really at the root of the matter for you? 

Create Rituals. Whatever it is you’re wanting to devote more time for, whether it be filing, working out, or managing your finances, it requires that you make the activity habitual. In other words, if you have to “think a lot” to get yourself to do it, you will rarely make it happen.   So, ask yourself, what will make this “chore” fun, rejuvenating or easy?  Is it listening to music? Is it going to a charming coffee shop with your laptop? Is it joining a gym near work?  Is it buying colorful folders and a label maker? 

Take breaks. Research shows that we work best in 90 minute segments.  So if you’re wondering why you’re feeling burnt out after 4 hours at the computer straight, this may explain it. Try and get out of the office for a lunch or drink break, at least once a day. Fresh air always puts things in perspective!  In addition, you may want to carve out one day a week, when you take a “Sabbath” and rest from all email and computer activity.  This requires discipline, but may be a great way to reenergize for another week gazing at the computer screen.

Take Care of Yourself Physically. Research shows over and over again, that most of us need 7-8 hours of sleep to function effectively.  (I actually had to create a ritual around going to sleep, in order to managing my energy better. For me, this means turning off the TV by 9:30 pm and crawling into bed at 10:00 p.m. to read, which has me feeling tired for sleep by 10:30 p.m.) Avoid sugar and too much caffeine; Eat regular, nutritious meals spaced throughout the day to maintain your energy. 

Enlist Support.  Old habits die hard. If you really want to make a change, let people in your life know. Ask for their support to keep you on track. Find a buddy that has a similar goal, so you can lean on each other. (Or work with a coach to make it happen!)

So, what area of your life have you been avoiding? How can managing your energy support you in making it more approachable to deal with on a regular basis? Would a ritual support you? Who in your life could support you in making a change?